The Chariot Awaits

13 Soul Portraits were painted between October 1 and October 20. These were not yet conscious prayers, but they were sparks of lights in a time of darkness and uncertainty. They still are now.

Brothers and Sisters, family, friends,

As you might guess, this is Esther. Daniel is home, and yet still with me in spirit. He wanted me to continue, the writing, the reaching out to you all.

Since I don’t know how, I will start with October 2015, with portraits not yet shown, a time of transition. A time of unknown pain and discomfort, of questions, sometimes a glimmer of light, of hope.

The room he used to paint in is quiet now, filled with a few thousand soul portraits waiting patiently. October now, a time of  mourning.

As I spent the morning in the kitchen – kneading bread, making soup and apple crisp on one of the coldest of days of the year, I am filled with a mixture of intense sadness, but also much gratitude.

Preparing for Shabbat – the one day of the week the sages say that mourning is supposed to be suspended – but how do you do this?

You let the love fill every crevice of your being. To love your G-d with all your heart, with all your soul and with all your might. G-d’s love for Daniel, for every soul  on this planet, is what gives us the strength to keep going.

The paintings of last October, painted until right before the diagnosis, before the catastrophe, before the surgery that would change everything. Daniel did have a sense something was going on. He told me he thought that all the joy had left this world. I remember we were standing in the backyard, with all the beauty of nature around us, the water in the waterfall, the chickens grazing, the blue sky overheard. I didn’t understand so I walked up the hill and prayed.

I perceived that Daniel should stop everything else he is trying to do that is creating so much stress and no joy (i.e. work at the time), and focus on prayer, painting and ways to bring peace to Israel, his true passions, and somehow everything would be alright. When I told him this we were standing next to a big bush bursting with pretty white flowers. He was crying, and so was I. I saw the hope in his eyes, the incredulity, so badly wanting to believe that this was true. That he could live his joy. Alas, the moment of respite, of glimpsing light, was not to last. The fear of make money and disappointing others, was stronger.

There was a true battle going on – in his head, in our hearts, and even, at times, between us. In the moments of peace, when he was painting these souls, and when we talked about our dreams, all seemed well. There was love, and joy, and no headaches at all. Then everything turned on it’s head, upside down, light to dark, until it almost took him. 

The day Daniel went into (brain) surgery, his last words, cheerful and full of spirit, were ‘The chariot awaits’. (See next post in October: https://10thousandsouls.wordpress.com/2015/10/22/the-day-before )

Today, the physical lights are dark. The light is now deep inside again. The truth is, sometimes I do not know how to go on. Not even sure where to go looking for the hidden light, covered up by so much darkness and suffering, divisions and hatred. At times I have glimpses, and then feel positive and strong again.

I moved some books around and picked up one I gave Daniel last summer. There are tons of bookmarks, and I open up a page. On the bookmark he wrote: “The chariot (Markava) is what one uses to enter the mystical realm. ” – it is a force that carries one beyond the normal limit into the transcendental.

And yes, the journey had begun. The chariot awaited – and the whirlwind still goes on.

For me, for us, for thousands of Jewish and Arab souls, the work now is not to fight evil, but to bring more light and kindness into the world. YOUR light. 

It is there, and it is needed.

I thank you so very much,

Esther and Daniyyel (as in Jewish tradition your soul’s name is your Hebrew name, I will use Daniyyel when I refer to him now).

Written January 8, 2017, paintings from October 2015.

“And all living things shall forever thank You…for You are good.”